Prometheus is set in the near future, where a small crew aboard the seemingly very expensive spacecraft that bears the film's title is sent to a distant star system in search of rumors of human's origin, left behind by ancient civilizations. Turns out they were true, and stumble upon not only a structure of sorts, but also the beings themselves, as well as the evil that lurks in the dark corners.
First off, I want to take this opportunity to thank the director for letting me experience such a thrilling and original ride, one that easily dethrones 2001: A Space Odyssey in terms of visual splendor, with a story that challenges any thought-provoking work of David Lynch. The characters are well written and acted, and-
What? Oh, I do apologize! It appears I left my sarcasm on again.
Before you write me off as another misbehaving runt that clearly did not enter the cinema with an open mind to what the film promised, I must rather sadly announce that you are wrong, and are therefore entitled to an evening with me slapping you silly with frozen carrots. I tried to like Prometheus. I really did. After all, they are in space, surrounded by technical mumbo-jumbo that our feeble modern-age neanderthalian minds cannot even begin to comprehend. What's there not to like?
It took me about half an hour to understand the growing pain in me, one that tugged at my very core in irritation. "Shoo", I said to this pain, "I'm trying to enjoy this masterful piece of art!" The pain, I found, was a mental fail-safe designed to shut down my brain in case of terrible wrongness. Luckily, I managed to accept it for what it was before it was too late, and then saw the movie for what it was. It didn't take long before I made theories of which stereotypes died first and under what gruesome events. Most of the time I was right.
As much as I would love to continue in this rambunctious fashion, let's put some order to things instead.
While building heavily on the design, Prometheus is in truth about the existence of man, or man in pursuit of answers. Do we originally hail from Earth, or were we put there by some external force? Have we been visited by these creators before? These are heavy themes that serve as excellent concepts, and that challenge religion in every way possible.
Promotheus wouldn't get far without its characters - which is a wide assorted regiment of stereotypes - and how they themselves perceive the possibility that they are about to face their own makers. You have the skeptical mercenary who is only in it for the easy cash-grab, the nerd whose personality is his glasses, the captain that doesn't believe in anything, and the scientist who would do anything to see his work through. The character I found to be the most pointless and useless was, however, the stone cold supervisor Miss Vickers who for some reason acts like a robot, and has to have sex to prove the crew - and the viewers - wrong. Funny enough, David (sponsored by Verizon, of all things. Seems they're still around), the ship's friendly artificial intelligence in human form, proved to be the most interesting of the bunch, and that says much, even if he is a blatant rip-off of a certain red-eyed AI from another movie. Cough. Cough.
David also delivers the movie's best quote: "Mortal after all", after witnessing the demise of one of these creators, these beings that humans had so foolishly worshiped. This means something at least.
Character Index Rating: CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE
These characters band together to unveil the secrecy of human origin, but it is very quickly revealed that the story is as non-existent as the main character's fertility.
Even if the Prometheus crew find what they are after, they don't seem all that interested all of a sudden, instead drowning themselves self-pity and disappointment that there wasn't more to it. They do not bother with being cautious, even though they find out these creators - or 'engineers' - were trying to escape from something that resulted in death. Do they change their mind when they find organics that seemingly harmed them? Do they take samples of the organic matter, or study it? Do they study their own infected crew? No, no, no. They do nothing. Even at a key point in the movie after the main character is responsible for putting an alien on the ship, she hurries to a supposed surprising revelation that overshadows anything happening up until that point, as if she's late for an appointment, and everything else is forgotten.
It is ironic how much time is wasted on the humans when all the viewers want are anything but. We came for answers as well, and still we have to suffer through mediocre to horrible characters portraited by horrible to disastrous actors. Speaking of answers, the characters seem to find out a hell of a lot off-screen. It's just a shame we don't get to partake in anything interesting.
The ending, to me, was nothing but an excuse to kill off the rest of the characters who still had not died, in the most incoherrent manners possible. The last death served as some kind of closure, for whatever purpose, with the promise of a sequel. Even towards the end, David, who is constantly being harassed for not having a soul and is incapable of human emotion, is still seen as nothing but empty, even if it is proven time and time again that he has developed a more complex intellect than they imagined. So in the end, no one learned anything. Fitting, actually.
Story Index Rating: Robert Pattinson's Backyard
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| "The yellow pill lets you know why we called the ship Nebuchadnezzar, but I'm hoping you'll try to piece that one together by yourself." |
Prometheus seems to focus too much on the concept of soul being created by a God and therefore cannot be explained in full. David, being created by the humans, can't possibly have one, since he is, after all, created. What about humans, then, in the face of their own creators? These philosophical points should have been the center of the plot, but I'm guessing Sir Ridicious Scott wanted to force in as much of the visual as possible, and as a result the script was cut in half. It tries so hard to be religious, deep AND scary at the same time, and yet it fails miserably at all three points.
During one scene - the key scene as mentioned above - the main character - Shaw - has her cross removed by David when she finds a startling truth. Aww, isn't it cute? It's trying to be symbolic! I wonder if it's capable of any more tricks? The cross is returned to her later, after she supposedly comes to term with her faith. Or so we are led to believe, because nothing is truly explained. Had the character been more than the cross she wears, maybe I would have found sympathy within myself, even as a non-believer. But I don't. I truly don't.
Faith is apparently central throughout the movie, but is hidden in layers of other puppies who scream for attention. Not only does the title - and the ship - carry significant meaning, but this is also explained right off the bat, in case we're left to wonder. The choice of word seems a bit... off to me. I wonder if they picked that title just because it sounds cool? Sure, the Prometheus of legend was said to be a defender of man against the gods, but doesn't that seem a bit hypocritical considering they're off trying to make contact with gods? Are they afraid? If yes, it sure doesn't seem that way.
Shallowness Index Rating: Infinite
Oh, it seems I have received fan mail! Let's see what it says... "Dear Mr. Hunter. It seems you have misunderstood the director's intentions for Prometheus. You see, the movie is all about the entertainment, it's about the design, about the action! If you can't appreciate these simple things, then you can't appreciate anything. Sincerely yours, The Majority of Earth's Human Populace."
Alright, let's take a look at the entertainment value of Prometheus, then, before I go get the carrots out of the freezer. Or so I would like to say but, alas, it is hard to discuss a non-existent concept. There is no value of entertainment in Prometheus. It really is that easy. There are very few action scenes to speak of, the scares are placed in obvious spots to the point of pathetic, and the revelations given are few and far between - and not the slightest interesting.
Prometheus is boring, boring, boring, yet still moves too fast between shots that the movie has to resort to dramatic measures to keep the crew up to speed by whispering information in between scenes. Logic at its finest right there.
Entertainment Index Rating: Why Am I Even Doing This, You Know It Sucks By Now
To sum things up more nicely: Prometheus is pretty much EXACTLY like Alien, with added elements that sidetracks the interesting parts of the story with pointless character interactions and surprises that aren't really surprises.
Why has Prometheus, despite all these rants of mine, received such good scores from critics and fans alike? What is this thing that I'm missing? What did I not see? I came to the conclusion that I am among the only sane persons to have viewed it in all its glory, and I'm going to stick to that conclusion. It's not deep, it's not thought-provoking, it's not fun. What it is, however, is nonsensical, noisy and annoying. Not to mention idiotic on at least five different levels.
How dare you even consider the material to be deep? Have you even seen 2001? I fear for the future of cinema with such thoughtless comments. I really do.
I can't even team up with the complainers, because the only reason they seem to hate the movie is the fact that we don't get to know much about anything, really. This is the only likable part of the movie. How hard is it to get that? Do you really want all the answers served to you? Is thinking that hard? Don't you find any problems with other things instead, like why David suddenly knows how to communicate with these beings, knows how their stuff works, knows how to play the flute despite having stated that he is unable to breathe? These points, and countless others, should be enough to tell you about the quality.
In the end, Prometheus is a movie that tries to be like its big brother Avatar, but where Avatar was beautifully crafted, colorful and vivid - and actually took time to bother with the content - Prometheus is brown and downright depressingly dull. I find it incredible that I actually write this considering I pretty much dislike everything Avatar stands for. Comparing it to this filth, however, makes it seem like Academy Awards material.
Ridley Scott's latest flick is that sick dog that no one owns, who is riddled with diseases, and stalks your trash cans for leftovers. Sure you feel like pitying him, but you know it's wrong. I hope you know it's wrong. Prometheus is 2001 for the Transformers crowd, and deserves to be treated as such. Take it behind the back and shoot it in the head.
Point blank.
With a bazooka.
Twice, just to be sure.
perfection.
SvarSlett