Between the games I play religiously on Steam, there are areas I don't talk about. The shadowlands, where the greyed out, uninstalled games reside, a list longer than a mother of five's grocery list on a Monday evening, right before closing time. When are you going to play us, I hear them yell. You know what I say? I say 'shut the hell up, you ungrateful swines. I own you.' My psychiatrist says I shouldn't do that, but how else will I stop their plotting of my assassination? Oh right, there's another way. Time to play them, I guess.
Looking through the list, I don't even recall having bought half of these. What was I thinking? Possibly not a whole lot, but it ain't gonna stop me from trying to sate their need for attention. So I decided to venture on a quest to get intimate with each and every one of them. Not for long, just enough so I can still get the smell off my clothes.
Now, to not be overwhelmed by the needs of the many, I decided to set some simple rules:
- The order is randomized, and all games are put in groups of seven.
- Each game should be played for a minimum of three hours. Special rules apply, like if the main game is shorter than three hours, the community is dead (for online-only games), or if it doesn't run on the machine.
- I will play only one game per series - expansions included.
- Played it before? Not gonna play it again.
- The games will be ranked against other games of the same group, usually how much they entertain.
Here's the first group. It's gonna be a long year.
GROUP 1
1. System Shock 2
Played 3 hours
Ever thought your survival game is too easy? Wish you'd have no idea where to go and what to do? Do you long for a game with clunky menus you have to bring up in battle while you're being pummelled by a monkey? Welcome to System Shock 2, the father of Bioshock, and probably pretty much all the other fps/rpg hybrids.
So you're on a ship, in space. Typically, you have amnesia, and can't remember what happened the last few weeks. Smells like plot twist! You find out things have gone bad while you were in the freezer. You're set on your way, guided by a voice in your ear. One lone survivor against insurmountable odds. Oh, and there are ghosts.
At its core, the game is about giving your best friend - a wrench - a new and lovely shade of red. It doesn't really matter who you swing it at; it's not like there are any friendlies left for socializing purposes. The complexity starts to show when you realize you have to stick your valuable skill points somewhere, whether it be to upgrade your guns; upgrade your stats so you may carry more or take more damage; upgrade your psionic abilities; or get better at hacking, researching, or repairing guns. Still, SyShock2's gameplay never feels overwhelming at any point. You're walked through every field of expertise in the prologue. You already know their advantages. The persistent level designs make for great playgrounds no matter what you choose to specialise in. Just don't be like me and pump your gun skills, thinking they're super valuable and awesome. Because they're not.
So you're on a ship, in space. Typically, you have amnesia, and can't remember what happened the last few weeks. Smells like plot twist! You find out things have gone bad while you were in the freezer. You're set on your way, guided by a voice in your ear. One lone survivor against insurmountable odds. Oh, and there are ghosts.
At its core, the game is about giving your best friend - a wrench - a new and lovely shade of red. It doesn't really matter who you swing it at; it's not like there are any friendlies left for socializing purposes. The complexity starts to show when you realize you have to stick your valuable skill points somewhere, whether it be to upgrade your guns; upgrade your stats so you may carry more or take more damage; upgrade your psionic abilities; or get better at hacking, researching, or repairing guns. Still, SyShock2's gameplay never feels overwhelming at any point. You're walked through every field of expertise in the prologue. You already know their advantages. The persistent level designs make for great playgrounds no matter what you choose to specialise in. Just don't be like me and pump your gun skills, thinking they're super valuable and awesome. Because they're not.
I still have nightmares about the sound the security camera makes when it spots you. Just thought I'd say.
So why, if I give such praise, did I only play three hours? Am I a hypocrite? Yes, but that is besides the point, for I am also easily scared. System Shock 2 is nothing if not scary. I'm not talking cheap scares so often employed by the horror genre; these are actual, legitimate scares. The game is atmospheric, perfectly capturing the claustrophobia and general sense of panic that comes with being the sole survivor on a giant ship infested with zombies, killer machines, and rogue AIs. And whenever there's an enemy in your close vicinity, your tympanic membrane is blasted with upbeat music of the future.
But ye gods, the music is great.
2. Papers, Please
Played 4 hours
If you have to kick Papers, Please off your hard drive for taking up too much space, I don't want to know you. Seriously. It's only 10mb. Stop being such a prick, Mike.
You want to know what this game is about? It's right there in the title. You play as an immigration inspector stationed on one of few checkpoints leading into the glorious communist state of Artichokza, or something. Your day consists of accepting genuine passports, or sending people with falsified or insufficient paperwork straight back to whatever not so glorious place they came from. Or detain them. That's more fun. After your shift is over, you go home to your family, and all is good. And repeat.
Sounds riveting, doesn't it.
Papers, Please is a hard game to describe. It must be experienced. Once you are past the basics, you start to see where the game truly shines. It's not enough you are bombarded with constantly new rules and regulations to uphold, but you are at times faced with decisions. Will you let the poor lady through - whose papers are expired - and take the punishment? Or will you think only of yourself and your family? A remarkable experiment of the human conscience when forced through extreme situations. Must be played.
If you have to kick Papers, Please off your hard drive for taking up too much space, I don't want to know you. Seriously. It's only 10mb. Stop being such a prick, Mike.
You want to know what this game is about? It's right there in the title. You play as an immigration inspector stationed on one of few checkpoints leading into the glorious communist state of Artichokza, or something. Your day consists of accepting genuine passports, or sending people with falsified or insufficient paperwork straight back to whatever not so glorious place they came from. Or detain them. That's more fun. After your shift is over, you go home to your family, and all is good. And repeat.
Sounds riveting, doesn't it.
Papers, Please is a hard game to describe. It must be experienced. Once you are past the basics, you start to see where the game truly shines. It's not enough you are bombarded with constantly new rules and regulations to uphold, but you are at times faced with decisions. Will you let the poor lady through - whose papers are expired - and take the punishment? Or will you think only of yourself and your family? A remarkable experiment of the human conscience when forced through extreme situations. Must be played.
3. Darksiders 2
Played 3 hours
Some say the Darksiders series is Zelda for the adult crowd. A fair comparison, but it's more akin to the lovechild of Prince of Persia and God of War.
While I don't care much for brooding, dark protagonists, the series' concept is one that deserves note: you play, in each title, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. War in the previous game, and now Death, who is an instantly more likeable character. The story is much different than you may expect. Basically, you're tasked with proving War's guilt for actions he supposedly did during the last game. What'd he do? Oh nothing much. Just wiped out the entire human race. Or, that wasn't really him. There's also something about bringing balance, about makers, about a tree of life.
But hey! Scythes! Hammers! Whoa! Did you see that? Pow! I get a gun, too? Awesome! Pew pew pew! And there are incorporated rpg elements, and even a loot system with drops ranging from common to legendary in quality?
Thanks, Vigil Games! Oh, you don't exist anymore.
There's not really much else to say about Darksiders. It's an enjoyable spawn of the monster that is the triple-A market, with epic cinematics, a sweeping soundtrack, and an overall quality feel to it. Definitely an improvement over the first game, but it's still the same deal. Awfully repetitive and slightly boring in the long run.
I'm sure the game would be more enjoyable if my computer could handle Darksiders. It really couldn't. Still, I managed to survive three hours of approximately ten fps. Never doing that again.
4. Galaxy on Fire 2
Played 6 hours
If you use your smartphone or tablet for gaming purposes, chances are you've already heard talk about this game. I'd probably think negatively of a jump to Steam, had I not found out about this fact after I'd played it. In a sense, I'm glad I didn't.
In this game, you fly around space a lot. You are Keith, one of the worst protagonists in gaming history (not as bad as Rufus from Deponia, but their motivations are the same). Immediately after starting, you are attacked by nasty pirates! An easy job for Keith, though. And then his hyperdrive, or, you know, whatever, malfunctions, and he's sent forward in time about 40 years. After that, you're thrust into a war with some nefarious race of space aliens known as the Void. Yeah, the story is awful.
But the story's not the meat of the game. The... rest of the game is. You can do side missions for various human and alien characters, attack convoys and steal their cargo, evoke hostility, and mine rocks for valuable resources you then sell. Why do you bother to do this? Because for every space dollar you earn, you get closer to buying a shiny new ship. Not that it really matters, because all the ships sort of feel the same. They all have terrible handling, and can barely dodge enemy fire. Not a big deal, that, since the AI is terrible anyway. Seriously, stop shooting me, I'm an ally. I said- I SAID STOP.
Had I only run with the horrible story campaign, I'd likely be done in about two hours. And dead.
Some say the Darksiders series is Zelda for the adult crowd. A fair comparison, but it's more akin to the lovechild of Prince of Persia and God of War.
While I don't care much for brooding, dark protagonists, the series' concept is one that deserves note: you play, in each title, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. War in the previous game, and now Death, who is an instantly more likeable character. The story is much different than you may expect. Basically, you're tasked with proving War's guilt for actions he supposedly did during the last game. What'd he do? Oh nothing much. Just wiped out the entire human race. Or, that wasn't really him. There's also something about bringing balance, about makers, about a tree of life.
But hey! Scythes! Hammers! Whoa! Did you see that? Pow! I get a gun, too? Awesome! Pew pew pew! And there are incorporated rpg elements, and even a loot system with drops ranging from common to legendary in quality?
Thanks, Vigil Games! Oh, you don't exist anymore.
There's not really much else to say about Darksiders. It's an enjoyable spawn of the monster that is the triple-A market, with epic cinematics, a sweeping soundtrack, and an overall quality feel to it. Definitely an improvement over the first game, but it's still the same deal. Awfully repetitive and slightly boring in the long run.
I'm sure the game would be more enjoyable if my computer could handle Darksiders. It really couldn't. Still, I managed to survive three hours of approximately ten fps. Never doing that again.
4. Galaxy on Fire 2
Played 6 hours
If you use your smartphone or tablet for gaming purposes, chances are you've already heard talk about this game. I'd probably think negatively of a jump to Steam, had I not found out about this fact after I'd played it. In a sense, I'm glad I didn't.
In this game, you fly around space a lot. You are Keith, one of the worst protagonists in gaming history (not as bad as Rufus from Deponia, but their motivations are the same). Immediately after starting, you are attacked by nasty pirates! An easy job for Keith, though. And then his hyperdrive, or, you know, whatever, malfunctions, and he's sent forward in time about 40 years. After that, you're thrust into a war with some nefarious race of space aliens known as the Void. Yeah, the story is awful.
But the story's not the meat of the game. The... rest of the game is. You can do side missions for various human and alien characters, attack convoys and steal their cargo, evoke hostility, and mine rocks for valuable resources you then sell. Why do you bother to do this? Because for every space dollar you earn, you get closer to buying a shiny new ship. Not that it really matters, because all the ships sort of feel the same. They all have terrible handling, and can barely dodge enemy fire. Not a big deal, that, since the AI is terrible anyway. Seriously, stop shooting me, I'm an ally. I said- I SAID STOP.
Had I only run with the horrible story campaign, I'd likely be done in about two hours. And dead.
5. Rocketbirds: Hardboiled Chicken
Played 3 hours
A sidescroller! How often do you see that on the indie market? Ah, I revel so in the silence that follows a sarcastic quip.
In all seriousness, though, Rocketbird is a fun game that doesn't overstay its welcome. It's very simple: you are in control of a soldier - the titular 'hardboiled chicken' - out to overthrow the evil regime of evil birds. You do so with the help of guns, fists, and jetpacks. And the rebels also help, sometimes.
It's a shame the top-notch art design is weighed down by godawful cinematics and dialogues you can't skip. There's also the constant need to put actual songs wherever they fit, as if the levels - and the boss fights especially - are designed only to make the best use of these songs.
Real shame.
A sidescroller! How often do you see that on the indie market? Ah, I revel so in the silence that follows a sarcastic quip.
In all seriousness, though, Rocketbird is a fun game that doesn't overstay its welcome. It's very simple: you are in control of a soldier - the titular 'hardboiled chicken' - out to overthrow the evil regime of evil birds. You do so with the help of guns, fists, and jetpacks. And the rebels also help, sometimes.
It's a shame the top-notch art design is weighed down by godawful cinematics and dialogues you can't skip. There's also the constant need to put actual songs wherever they fit, as if the levels - and the boss fights especially - are designed only to make the best use of these songs.
Real shame.
6. Cthulu Saves the World
Played 6 hours
Hey, what happened? Am I- Am I back in the 90's? Oh no, it's just a modern retro game. Had me there for a second, you clever shit.
Cthulu Saves the World is an annoyingly addictive self-acclaimed parody of early rpg games. As is usually the case when parody is a central theme, the comedy isn't very comedic. It lightly pokes fun at generic rpg tropes, but thankfully never ventures into the murky swamps of contemporary references. Had it been more its own thing rather than a serious-game-sprinkled-with-fun-at-random-intervals-game, I might have enjoyed it more. It should be said the gameplay is surprisingly good and complex, as is the pixel art and music.
Should there ever be a sequel, what I strongly request is less horrible dungeons. Seriously. It's much too easy to get lost. And that's not very fun.
Hey, what happened? Am I- Am I back in the 90's? Oh no, it's just a modern retro game. Had me there for a second, you clever shit.
Cthulu Saves the World is an annoyingly addictive self-acclaimed parody of early rpg games. As is usually the case when parody is a central theme, the comedy isn't very comedic. It lightly pokes fun at generic rpg tropes, but thankfully never ventures into the murky swamps of contemporary references. Had it been more its own thing rather than a serious-game-sprinkled-with-fun-at-random-intervals-game, I might have enjoyed it more. It should be said the gameplay is surprisingly good and complex, as is the pixel art and music.
Should there ever be a sequel, what I strongly request is less horrible dungeons. Seriously. It's much too easy to get lost. And that's not very fun.
7. The Bridge
Played 2 hours
The Bridge isn't necessarily a bad game, but clearly the game I found least enjoyment with, of the games in this here byotiful group. It should be said I only survived two hours because I quickly found myself bored.
It's a puzzle game. You tilt the screen and move the character to keys and locked doors, usually in that order. Sometimes there are balls. You can't touch the balls. You can rewind time, though. If you're lucky, you're awarded with text.
Perhaps I am simply spoiled by games like Portal and Limbo, either seeking more narrative or more mystery. The Bridge offers neither, it simply is. It's the chess of puzzle games. An acquired taste, to be sure.
It's a puzzle game. You tilt the screen and move the character to keys and locked doors, usually in that order. Sometimes there are balls. You can't touch the balls. You can rewind time, though. If you're lucky, you're awarded with text.
Perhaps I am simply spoiled by games like Portal and Limbo, either seeking more narrative or more mystery. The Bridge offers neither, it simply is. It's the chess of puzzle games. An acquired taste, to be sure.
In essence, I came for the art style, and stayed for the puzzles. Really, I did. It's not like I had any choice.
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